Chapter 4

Hey Woody!
My boyfriend and I have rock-'em, sock-'em sex, man. I'm like a walking light bulb around him-just waiting to be screwed so I can light up the room. Here's the problem. As soon as the sex is over, so's his attention. I like to cuddle and he doesn't. How can I get him to cuddle more?

--- Wanting more

Dear Wanting:
Personally, I love cuddling; it's one of the best parts of sex. It feels so primal I'm sure it's biological. In fact, it is for women. Scientists have discovered a female hormone, oxytocin, that makes women want to cuddle.

But there's no such hormone for men. I believe the only hormone that gets released in men after sex is….damn, I forgot the name of it. But you can find it on the web at heartlessbastard.com.

How do you get the stud puppet to pay more attention to you after sex? The same way you get a gay man to pay attention to anything-make sure lots of mirrors are involved.

That, and talk to him. Ask, don't demand. Don't make him feel bad or defensive. That's my job. Your job is to talk to him when you're not in bed, when you're sharing a glass of wine and you're both mellowed out.

Take his hand and put it on your chest so he feels the heat of your heart and get into a conversation about sex and how wonderful it is with him.

Tell him you love to be held in the warm afterglow of his embrace and that it's really important to you that it be a big part of your sex life. If you say it with warmth and sincerity it'd be really hard for him to say no.

Unless he's my ex-boyfriend. Then, he'd probably point to his empty ring finger and say "You want some more milk? Then buy the fucking cow."

Hey Woody!
I've been seeing someone off and on for about two years. Four months into the relationship things kinda went downhill when we were unable to come to an understanding about commitment. Namely, I understood the meaning of the word; he didn't.

We continued to see each other more as lovers than just friends. I really love him and I feel confident he feels the same for me. The problem is every time I start seeing someone else he gets obsessively jealous and starts showing me a lot more attention. When he feels the risk of losing me to someone else, he does everything in his power to get me back, to the point of suggesting we move in together. But when I stop seeing the person to be with him, he goes back to his uncommitted mode.

I really don't know what to do about this, woody. I really love the guy. I'm afraid I will never be able to have a relationship with someone else until this crazy cycle stops. On the other hand, I cannot imagine putting him out of my life. I'm 22 and he's in his mid-30s. Do you think the age difference has anything to do with it?

--- Little Boy Left Out in the Blue

Dear Little Boy:
Face it, you're his bitch.

Every time he howls you spread like you're in heat.

Believe me, I know his type. I'm one of them. I've done exactly what he's doing to you. Only at some point I had the decency to see how much I was hurting the other guy and stopped it. Even though I wanted to keep seeing him.

I hope the surgeons performed his decency by-pass without anesthesia.

You've got three options:
- 1. An open relationship. Sounds like you've ruled it out, but if you're determined to keep him as a boyfriend then revisit the question.

- 2. Learn to live with ambiguity. This means you go about life partaking of its joys, releasing its miseries, blessing both the arrival and departure of love. Or in your case, the arrival and departure and arrival and departure and arrival and departure and arrival and departure of love.

- 3. Take control of the relationship. Declare the end of your current relationship and the start of a new one. Sit him down and ask him to be fair to you. Ask him to respect the boundaries that you want in place to support the friendship and prevent you from getting on that schizophrenic elevator you hate so much.

Figure out what those boundaries should be. Here's a couple: No late night booty calls. No coming over for dinner or watching TV-- classic plots to get in your pants. He wants dinner? Go to a diner. Watch TV? Invite three other friends.

The key is to gain his commitment to fairness, to respect your choice because it's coming from a genuine desire to heal and move on.

I learned this from a six year-old, believe it or not. I was tickling my nephew, annoying him like he was one of my readers. Like them, he commanded me to stop, and when that didn't work, he begged me to leave him alone.

And you know how I love to be begged.

Of course, I didn't stop. Even as an uncle, woody wants what he wants when he wants it.

But then my little nephew said something my sister had taught him: "Uncle woody, you have to respect my words."

God, I hate my sister.

How the hell was I supposed to keep tickling him after a line like that? I'd be a complete shit if I did.

Try it on Yo-Yo Man. If it stopped an annoying prick like me, it'll stop an annoying prick like him.

If you really want to get on with your life you have to change. And here's what you've gotta change: Stop being his bitch.