Chapter 2

Hey Woody!
I saw this really hot guy across the bar and I swear my zipper started moving down by itself. He was tall, with the kind of long sinewy, athletic muscles I pop off to in my fantasies. But then we met. What an asshole! He had all the social skills of a drunken farmhand. Everything inside me said "don't do it, don't take him home, you'll regret it." But the fuse was lit and once again the demon below my belt took over.

Anyway, we're in bed and I'm thinking, "If I can just get this guy to shut up I could really get into this," cuz woody, this guy's body was just fucking beautiful. Well, needless to say, he was horrible in bed-graceless with no sense of give and take, no sense of timing, no rhythm, nothing. We're flopping around and suddenly he sits on my hard cock without a rubber. When I said "Dude, I got a rubber right here," he lifts his ass off me, blows me and then get this---he FRENCH KISSES me.

I just about had a stroke. My cock was in his ass without a rubber, picking up God only knows what kind of germs, then he sucks it and then he kisses me. All I could think about was what kind of horrible disease I'm going to get from this jerk. Why do I keep going home with guys that are physically attractive but socially repulsive? And could I have prevented getting a disease if I had jumped out of bed and brushed my teeth or gargled?

--- Sorry it ever happened

Dear Sorry:
Why do you sleep with guys you know you'll regret? Because men are pigs and you like bacon.

Dealing with good-looking assholes is like dealing with drugs or alcohol: When you have enough bad experiences you'll eventually know when to say "thanks but no thanks."

You just haven't had enough bad experiences. Like the mark of a good partier, the mark of a highly evolved sexual being is to know when to say no.

Memorizing woody's Theory of Sexual Relativity will help. Remember, Einstein proved that space and time aren't viewed as separate, independent entities, but rather that they form a four-dimensional continuum.

It's the same thing with Desire and Disgust. They aren't separate, independent entities. They form a braided dimensional continuum known as WHID ("What Have I Done?").

Here's my theory in question form: Ripped Abs Divided by Your Prey's Assholiness Multiplied by Your Level of Horniness Equals What Degree of Morning-After Disgust?

It's the ability to work this formula out in your head before you leave the bar that will make the morning after worth the night before.

As for the disease you're likely to catch, I predict you'll be dead in 3 months. Your only hope is to tithe half your earnings to my ministry. No wait, that's not right. Damn, I gotta stop writing these columns when Pat Robertson's on.

Your biggest fear should be Hepatitis A, which is spread by putting something in your mouth that's been contaminated with the stool of a person with the virus. It's a lovely disease, really, what with the jaundice, fatigue, abdominal pain, loss of appetite, intermittent nausea, diarrhea and surly sex advisors using you as Exhibit A for getting vaccinated.

Jumping out of bed and gargling may have helped but it all depends on how far the guy's tongue went into your mouth and whether you swallowed before you had a chance to gargle.

If you really fear he exposed you to Hepatitis you can get the IgG shot. It's a painful motherfucker but if you get it within 48 hours it's an effective post-exposure protection.

If you're gay and you haven't been vaccinated for Hepatitis A then stop being gay. It's an easy series of two shots and it doesn't hurt. Remember, a dose of insurance gives sexual reassurance.

Hey Woody!
I never know which condoms to buy. They all make the same claims. Got any suggestions?

- - - Snapped to Attention

Dear Snapped:
There are all kinds of hats for all kind of heads. Whatever you choose, keep in mind a couple of things:

- Squeeze the condom away from the edge of the foil wrap so you don't tear it.
- Put lube on your dick or on the inside of the condom.
- Always yell "Incoming!" before entering your partner.
- Feel the shaft of his cock as it slides in and out of you to make sure it's still on.
- Get out while you're hard. After you come pull out before you go soft, so the condom doesn't leak semen into him.
- Don't throw it in the toilet. Condoms can block pipes. Throw it in the garbage or out the door, along with your trick.

Now, as far as the type of condoms, the only way to figure out what's best is to try them on yourself. Here are a few suggestions:

Too Big?
Dream on. But if you really are one of the 6% of men who require a bigger than average condom, then Trojan Magnum XL is your best bet. How do you tell if you need a bigger condom? Slide a toilet-paper tube over your erection. If it slides down to the base of your penis you don't need an extra-large condom. If it doesn't, you need my phone number.

Cum Too Soon?
Try Trojan Extended Pleasure. It's coated with Benzocaine, which dulls the nerves in your dick temporarily. Be sure to put it on correctly. The Benzocaine is on the inside of the condom. Wear it inside out and you'll dull the nerves of your partner's ass. There's nothing worse than getting stuck with a dull ass in bed, so be careful.

Needle-Dick?
Try Contempo Exotica Snugger Fit. It's six percent narrower than regular condoms, making it the narrowest rubber in the market. FYI: condom sizes are based on slurp, not length.

No, wait. My computer keys got stuck. I meant GIRTH.

Too Dry?
Paradise Super-Sensitive with Astroglide might do the trick you brought home. It's the only condom that comes pre-oiled with a good lube.

Partner Too Frigid?
Try the inSpiral and see if he doesn't spiral out of control. That is, if he doesn't laugh himself off the bed first. InSpiral is shaped like a soft-serve ice-cream cone. Take a lick at it and see what you think.

Fingers Too Wet?
Don't you hate it when you're ready to enter his mangina, only your fingers are too lubed up to open the condom's foil packet? And pretty soon your trick is drumming his finger on your thighs because you're spending more time entering the package than you'll ever spend entering him and by the time you tear it open with your mouth and open the fucker you look down and your hard-on is gone? You know that feeling?

Well, I'll have to take your word for it because that shit's never happened to me.

Anyway, LifeStyles Discs come in sealed plastic containers, like the pats of butter they serve in those tacky diners my ex-boyfriend used to take me to when he was feeling generous and wanted to splurge on me that cheap fucking bastard now where was I?

Oh, yeah. Just strip away the top and get to the bottom. It's the very best in "Peel & Bang" condoms.

Room Too Dark?
Try global Protection Night Light, the first government-approved glow-in-the-dark condom. Put the package (the condom, not your dick) near a lamp and the condom will glow for 15 minutes after the lights go out.

Too Selfish?
Try the GOP condom, the Republican Party's first contraceptive. It's made to protect pricks and give the wearer a sense of security when they're fucking somebody over.